


If Only

by SzonKlin



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Racism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 19:19:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14940308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SzonKlin/pseuds/SzonKlin
Summary: It takes a while, before it finally makes sense





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The Halcyon and it's characters belong to their creators, I just wanted to play with them a little

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there and thanks for clicking.
> 
> This is my first ever fic (that I actually finished and posted), so I'm posting without editing before I change my mind. Feel free to let me know if there are any glaring errors. You can find me on tumblr at szonklin.tumblr.com

Toby was furious.

What happened just minutes ago in the wine cellar sent shivers down his spine. It was wrong. So, so wrong.

As he stared into the mirror in his bathroom, he couldn’t stop his mind from reliving the events.

His mother has been pushing him to entertain Lady Theresa all evening even though she was clearly aware of his attempts to escape the young woman. In his desperation he even tried to hide behind the servants’ door in the Lobby and when he heard her mother pointing Lady Theresa in his direction, he just bolted. He ran down the stairs, almost tripping over his own feet. As he rounded the corner of the corridor leading to the storage rooms, it crossed his mind how ridiculous it was to be running away like a child from a cross nanny but facing Lady Theresa and admitting he was running would have been even more embarrassing, so he kept moving away from the shrilling voice.

Realizing that he couldn’t clear the long corridor before Lady Theresa would look his way, he ducked into the first storage area he found, hoping he could hide behind the shelves. Just as he stepped inside he saw movement and thought for a second that it was Tom. It scared Toby because the young barman was yet to learn any discretion and surely would have alerted Toby’s persecutor of their presence, but it only lasted a second before he realized in relief that it was Mr. Joshi. Toby new by then that if Mr. Joshi wanted to embarrass him he would have had plenty of opportunities as he had seen Toby completely wasted more times than he would care to admit.

Relieved, ha! – Toby splashed water into his face before the memory could progress. He shook his head at himself in the mirror. How wrong he was to believe in the barman’s professionalism.

The sound of the air raid sirens pulled him out before he could descend into one of his mental vortexes.

He remembered that the Ashworths requested that the reception wouldn’t be interrupted in case of a raid, but he figured he should go down anyway. After all, if it turned serious, maybe even his mother would concede to move to the shelter.

As he went down, he caught Freddie nervously fidgeting with his signet ring. For the ever-heroic pilot it was torture that a raid was happening without him being allowed to fight back. Toby smiled at the thought of how, despite their differences, they still had a lot in common.

Toby was grateful to spend the next few minutes trying to hold his brother back who was ready to defy orders and run out to fight anyway. At least he didn’t have any time left to think about the wine cellar. However, when the party finally moved down to the shelter he lost track of him and by the time he found him again Freddie has channelled all of his heroism into bravely running away from his budding relationship with Emma.

Toby shook his head as he watched Emma’s professional façade crumble, unable to comprehend why his brother would throw away his chance at a beautiful love just because it might get difficult.

***

When the raid finally ended, and the wedding party moved back to the Lounge he couldn’t avoid the thoughts of what happened in the wine cellar anymore, as his eyes kept drifting to the bar during Freddie’s speech. He could see Mr. Joshi serving drinks, seemingly unchanged, but as he let his gaze linger he noticed that the barman’s eyes were slightly wider, and his hands were shaking.

‘Good’ Toby thought. ‘He should be scared.’ He looked around the room for Mr. Garland. Something needed to be done and the manager would know how to handle the situation with discretion. Toby didn’t want his mother to find out as she would undoubtedly make a fuss about it. Toby just wanted the whole thing to go away quickly. But no matter how hard he looked, he could only find Emma.

“He went out earlier and he has probably been held up by the sirens” she said. Her lips trembled as she thought back to the planes. But when Toby followed her gaze, it was fixed on Freddie.

“Try not to hate him” Toby pleaded with her. “He did what he thought was best.” Then when Emma started to move away, he added “If your father gets back, please let him know I need to speak to him.”

It was only when he heard a glass falling to the floor that he realized how close they were standing to the bar. He briefly looked into Mr. Joshi’s scared eyes before following Emma into the Lobby.

***

When the second set of sirens died out, Toby decided that he has had enough for one night and went to his room.

Once he was away from the sounds of the party he could no longer suppress his father’s voice in his head. And for probably the first time in his life, he didn’t even try to.

As the night dragged on he suspected that he wouldn’t get away without being kissed, he just assumed it would be by the persistent Lady Theresa. He never would have thought that a barman would kiss him.

A classless servant.  
An immigrant from the colonies.  
Someone who couldn’t even speak properly and who was no doubt uneducated.  
A pagan.  
An Indian.  
An employee.

Any of these would have been enough to make a kiss wrong. Had it been a maid with only one of these qualities she would be dismissed immediately.

But even all of them combined paled next to the real offense: Mr. Joshi was a man.

Toby felt a sick satisfaction realizing, that he managed to be kissed - no, attacked - by someone who even his father would think was not good enough for him. Finally, there was something Toby and his father could agree on – even if it happened after his father died.

But as Toby drifted off to sleep, the last thought on his mind was ‘If it was so wrong and repulsive, why did I kiss back?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this part got a little dark, but as much as I like the idea of everything clicking for Toby as soon as they kiss, I can't help but wonder if it would have been a bit more difficult for him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this story comes from a song in Disney's Descendants with the same title. The idea for this story came from that song.  
> If you want to listen to it while reading, the best place for that would be the Toby is walking home from work.

Toby woke up with a start as his alarm rang. He was still not quite used to the early hour at which he had to wake up to go the war office and especially after last night’s party and the double raid it took a moment before his brain caught up with him. He sat up with such momentum, that he knocked half the books off his nightstand as he realized that he spent the whole night dreaming about Adil – that is, Mr. Joshi kissing him. An even more startling realization was that he quite enjoyed those dreams.

His second alarm went off and he dragged himself out of bed. As he prepared for work, he contemplated the events of last night. He had to admit to himself that the kiss wasn’t as unpleasant as it should have been and that maybe his actions have also contributed to the barman’s risky move.

As it was, it wouldn’t have been quite fair to put all the blame on the other man, Toby wondered as he almost put his pants on backwards. No, he would be firm, he would make it clear that nothing like this could happen ever again, but he would not tell Mr. Garland about it. He would simply ask Mr. Joshi to hand in his resignation.

After all, he had always been kind to him, even when he could have easily remained impartial upon witnessing the late Lord Hamilton’s abuse. But Mr. Joshi didn’t remain impartial. Of course, he never did anything inappropriate, but he always had a kind word for Toby afterwards. No, it certainly wouldn’t be fair to make him leave without a reference, Toby mused while he managed to miss not one, but two buttons on his shirt.

He was battling his tie when he heard a knock on the door. It must be Freddie, coming to talk about how he made a mistake with Emma. It was too early for his mother to be up and she certainly wouldn’t have bothered to knock.

He smoothed out his vest in a desperate attempt not to appear ridiculous next to his oh-so-proper brother before he called out “Come in.”

“I apologize for disturbing you.”

Toby was completely taken aback when instead of his brother, it was Mr. Joshi who opened the door. He tried to muster all the dignity that should come from being a Hamilton, but he didn’t dare face the other man, deeming it much safer to look at him through the mirror.

“No, that’s fine… I was just getting ready for work.” He tried to sound nonchalant, focusing on the tie that all of a sudden seemed to have developed a mind of its own, with no desire to be tied correctly.

“Mr. Hamilton,” Mr. Joshi started. “What I did yesterday… It was wrong, and I understand if you wish for me to resign…”

“That won’t be necessary,” Toby interrupted before he even knew what he was saying. He scoffed at his inability to stick with any of his former plans. He tugged at his tie angrily. “This bloody thing,” he murmured and as he looked up he saw Mr. Joshi purse his lips and turn to the door. Toby didn’t trust himself to say anything more, so he just watched the door close behind the barman.

***

Toby couldn’t remember how he managed to make himself presentable or how he got to the office, but once there, he was grateful for the distraction that came with a job that was both new and challenging, thus demanding his full focus. He got so lost in it that he only noticed that the day was over when the maids came in to clean the office.

He usually would have gone to the Halcyon’s bar for a drink when he had something big to think through but as that would have meant meeting Mr. Joshi it was not such a good option, so he decided to take a long walk home from the war office.

A million thoughts kept running through his head. Freddie talking about Emma and encouraging Toby to find an equally lovely girl for himself. Lady Priscilla’s face whenever she thought that one of the girls she kept pushing at him might grab his interest. His father’s cutting insults as he berated Toby for never being good enough for the Hamilton name. His classmates’ crass words about men who liked other men. Mr. Joshi admitting that what he did was wrong.

But between every thought, every image, a feeling kept surfacing. The feeling of Adil’s body so close to him between the shelves. His soft lips pressed against Toby’s. His warm breath caressing Toby’s face seconds before the kiss. The memories of his dreams of so many more gentle touches.

And slowly those feelings washed away all other thoughts. All the reasons for which they would have been wrong pushed out by how right they would be. He got so engrossed in his daydreaming that he didn’t even notice he got home until he quite literally ran into Mr. Joshi in the Lobby.

His face turned as red as his tie while the barman started frantically apologizing, trying to look anywhere but at Toby. Which was alright with Toby, who was sure that all of his previous thoughts were clearly visible in his eyes.

After a few seconds of awkwardness he pulled himself together enough to ask Mr. Joshi to bring some coffee to his room before bolting for the elevator.

Once in his room, he dropped his jacket on the back of a chair and splashed some water on his face.

It felt an eternity before he heard a soft knock on his door.

“Come in.”

Adil stepped inside and carefully placed a tray on the desk.

“There you go, Mr. Hamilton,” he said before reaching for the still open door.

“I’m meant to be clever,” Toby blurted out, afraid that if the other man leaves, he will never have the courage to talk to him again. Suddenly the idea that they would never be more than employer and employee terrifying him. “To know how to analyse things, break them down and understand all the patterns,” he rambled on, only stopping to breathe when Adil closed the door and stepped away from it.

“But I’ve never made sense…” he looked down on his hands, fumbling with his signet ring. With his head still bowed he sneaked a peek at Adil, gathering himself before saying the last words, “until yesterday.”

Toby took another shaky breath as he lifted his eyes to Adil. The other man just stood there, staring at him, disbelief and happiness alternating on his face.

“Well, maybe not ‘until yesterday’ as I was still very much confused yesterday. As a matter of fact, most of today was a daze and…” he suddenly stopped his nervous rambling when Adil stepped up to him in two strides and grabbed his hands.

“Hello, Toby,” he said in a voice so warm and gentle that Toby felt his heart melt with it. His hands that never seemed to know what to do, fit perfectly into Adil’s. All thoughts left Toby as he slowly leaned forward and pressed a kiss on Adil’s lips. It was light and tentative but when he pulled back he felt completely calm. Yes, finally it made sense.

All the times he wondered what his brother and friends talked about when they raved about love and girls. All the times his stomach clenched at the thought of his mother succeeding in pairing him up with a young lady. All the time he caught himself staring at Mr. Joshi behind the bar.

Adil nodded in encouragement as if he understood Toby’s thoughts and Toby felt like laughing. A smile spread out on his face as he raised his hands to caress Adil’s face and leaned back in for another kiss.

This time Adil deepened the kiss and they poured all the happiness of their heart into it.

For a moment, there was no-one and nothing else, just the two of them in the entire world. No class, no race, no prejudices.

Just two hearts and the love beginning to build inside them, making complete sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was my first attempt at fanfic writing.  
> From here on I imagine their story continuing the same as in the series.  
> If you want to read about how their relationship would grow with Toby still battling with internalized homophobia, then I recommend reading Brave New World by clueing_for_looks


End file.
